Ready Set Wait

I am not afraid of the future anymore, I will not be Intimidated by what I can not possibly for see. It seems like everybody I meet is only interested in where I am going, what I am doing next year which seems funny to me because I can not possibly know who or where I'll be next year, yes I know what college I am going to but that is not the rubber stamp of experiences.

So what I have been telling people is I don't know but I am ready.
Anything more would be a lie.

I do know I have met some of the most amazing people in high school and had some of the most wonderful experiences. I have friends who I truly consider my family, I know some friends and I will be saying good bye and going our different ways which is hard but I am ready to see what is in store for me these next four years. I am ready to face the new challenges in store for me while still trying to maintain those relationships I've made. Yes I am very insecure but still.

(Random Aside: I just realized I am 18 years older than my baby cousin Evelyn, when she is my age I will almost be 40. I've never felt so old before)

I Just Need To Tell Someone.

I am so deeply unhappy all the time because of the drama at school. I can't handle being around people who are fighting. Even people in Wal-mart bickering makes me uncomfortable.

This is a cruel form of torture. My school family is being ripped apart. Every time I think about it I feel like I am about to vomit. I could never handle things like this, it has to do with stuff that happened along time ago but now I feel almost PTSD when this happens. I can't breathe, I can't stand up on my own, I try to be strong and I sound like an idiot.

I want so badly to go back to my flower-child ways, doing as I please just enjoying life. But I can't knowing so many people I care about are hurting, which makes me hurt inside. Then it hurts more when I realize there is nothing I can do because I just can't think about this with out having a nervous break down, which causes me to feel like an awful friend which makes it worse so all this stress in manifested upon me hating myself, and other issues i have which makes me irate which makes me snap at Justin the only person who even slightly understands how the void of my mind works. Which makes me even more depressed.

College college, come take me away! The good life ain't so good any more.
Maybe we will all become yuppies in a few years, do yoga and drink caffeine free herbal tea and this will all be a distant night mare of the past.

Six AM Revelation

Last night as I lay comfortably in my bed sleeping, instead of allowing my mind to sleep and wander about mystical far away dream places my body shot up in protest. At five in the morning, my body refused to let me sleep anymore reducing me to laying wide awake at its whim.

What is there to do at five am? Even my most night owl of night owl friends would have been asleep by then, even stumbling to bed around four were asleep! I've read all my books and the only thing on tv was rock of love season two, thanks I'll pass. No my body woke me up at the stragetically most boring hour of the night, so i could think. Sit there in the absolute darkness and think.

Around six when my mind has exhausted all the usual topics, college, the future, the war, ex-boyfriends, global warming, my term paper; I came to the topic i think i was ment to come to, body image.

My entire live I have had a war going against who i saw in the mirror. There are so many things i wanted to change about my self, my nose, my but, my hips, my thighs, even my chin. I hated how I looked which is hard for any one,but it is espically hard for a dancer who spends five hours a week in front of a mirror in tights and a leotard. I've been comparing my self to six foot, 90 pound girls for so long I forgot that doing so was unhealthy. All the unhealthy things I've done to be thin!

But tonight my body rejected me. It said " You sit here and think about what you are doing to me." And i came to the conclusion, I am not my jean size. I am sick of hating my self for being a size four and not a size zero, i will never fit my hips in to a size zero. I am sick of skipping meals and feeling hungry, I am sick of seeing thin girls and feeling like i failed myself. I am sick of calorie counting, I am sick of defining my self as +3 -2 +1 -4.
Say it with me ladies, I AM NOT MY JEAN SIZE!!! Yell it, let all the people who told you have to be like this know, I AM NOT MY JEAN SIZE!!

I am short, I am curvy, I have a big but, wide hips and small boobs,I am not a super model nor do i want to be one. DEAL WITH IT!! I am not having crackers as a meal any more. I will not run on the tread mill on till I pass out because I had the nachos! I have one life, why destroy it on a quest to be a size zero? I don't want this.

From now on I will feel good about myself. I will eat when I am hungry and stop when I am full. I am throwing away my scale. I will not listen to anorexic ballerinas as a source of wisdom as too how i should be!
My name is Amanda, I am not my jean size.

Yesterday

all my troubles seemed so far away. Because they were they were so far gone i couldn't even see them. Yesterday was a marvelous day.

School has gotten almost to the point of an annoyance. It is some annoying thing i have to do everyday but requires little to no effort. Yawnn. Lets see how long I can keep a 4.0 with not effort.

After school, I met Melanie and Sarah for gelato. A splendid time was had by all. Gelato is one of the most wonderful things in the world and they are some of the most wonderful people in the world too. I hadn't seen Mel in a long time and it was good to see her, she has been awfully busy with work and a boy whom is no longer in the picture but she finally got away so it was nice to see her. Sarah is going away to Europe today so this was her going away party. She is a very sweet friend, she texted me on her way to the airport to say good by. Two weeks in Italy and Greece! I am very jelous of her!

After that I went to turn in a job app, well see how that goes.
Oh well there is some very cute boy next to me whom i should be kissing. Till next time. Cheers!

This week

Is the second week in March!
For those not in the insane head space that is Senior Year, that means admissions letters will start coming this week!
I feel like I'm in an elevator and the cable just snapped, maybe if we jump before we hit the floor it'll be okay but were not quite sure.

I've gained five pounds. Im sure three of those pounds were from stress and the other two, the other two were to prove a point. So diet time yes!

Spring has just begun which is always an important season for me as it is so symbolic of new beginnings. I think it seem apporpite to start a diet in spring.

I hope this season is the turn around for my life. I have been feeling like a general let down lately. With the way stuco has gone and with what's going on with my friends, I feel like I'm trapped in a glass box, I can see things going wrong but there is nothing i can do no matter how hard i try to help. Maybe I am just depressed. Maybe. Its a new season, a new beginning. The winter of my life is ending. I hope. You never know with the weather in Oklahoma.

So when i look out at the weather and hope to see a change for the greener know that i am not just hoping to get a tan.

Senior Year

was supposed to be a blow off year, one year long party with friends. It has been the most stressful year off my life.I can honestly agree with the statement you are an adult after college because senior year makes you one. You go from a kid dreaming about Yale to adult wondering if you can even afford to go to the community college. The acronyms you use go from Lol nmu and omg to FAFSA, CSS, and EPC. Your graduation money is no longer thought to be for ipods and cars and clothes but board and tutition and books.

I feel so unprepared. Why didn't anyone tell me it would be like this? Why did they feed us pictures of friends at pep ralleys and longing on the beach with out a care? The gave us grease and we got less than zero.

The Girl and The Blind Man

A week ago,my motley group of friends were having our usual array of fast food lunches and a few members of the group had scattered off to say hello to people out side our little circle. Tho they had removed their presence, in true teenage fashion, their junk remained. Backpacks, purses, empty cups, books lay strewn across the floor where we were sitting. This was not seen as odd, as it was assumed everyone would return and pick up their things before leaving.

So it was my dear friend Kayte, the new boy and I sitting among the rubble of adolescent life, Kings of the discard and forgotten. We didn't mind it was warm, and the sunshine was coming through the glass like light in a prism, dancing on the trees and our noses. What did we care of a little congestion? The day was young and we were young. The day was beautiful and so were we. The universe felt as if it were built for the young and indestructible, like us. 

Along came a man with a red and white stripped cane. He could not see the sun dancing in the sky, he couldn't see the laughing young people and he certainly could not see their stuff. The man was blind, and he walked right in to a discarded backpack. I watched in utter horror as he struggled to figure out what had wrapped around his ankle as the bag slipped further around his leg. It must have only been seconds of his struggling with the cane but it felt like years, i couldn't watch him struggle like that. 

"Excuse me sir, i think you've gotten caught up in a back pack, let me help you out," I said reaching to remove the bag. "I am so sorry, I hope I didn't break anything," is all he said, turning to me in earnest, sky blue eyes boring through my soul in concern for a stupid backpack. "No not at all sir." Then he smiled, and carried on maneuvering slowly but surely to a pack bench, where he sat, folded his hands behind his hand, closed his eyes and turned to the sky. He couldn't see it, but i think he could feel it. The same sun dancing on his nose as it was on mine.